My dad died of COVID. I work at a hospital. I have very few friends. Please, I am so tired and just need a hug.

I tried to find a subreddit to post to that could be defined as ‘welcoming’ and ‘comforting’. In hopes that it would be okay I be allowed to post. And when I thought of safe, this subreddit was the first to come to mind.

My dad died less than 12 hours ago from COVID.

He started feeling poorly on Monday. He got ill, began stumbling, on Thursday. I had my mom call an ambulance and he was diagnosed that night. Less than 24 hours later, they called a code blue and he died. He had COPD, heart issues (previous quad bypass), and was 80 years old.

As soon as he tested positive, I knew the odds were that he wasn’t going to make it. You know the odds when you work in a hospital.

I work at a hospital (team lead for breast and gynecological oncology department). I have patients pass away due to cancer all the time. COVID has been there too. Surgeries cancelled. Chemo delayed due to exposure. Patients who die from it. My dad just died from it. My dad died. My dad..

Whenever I get a phone call from a patient’s family member, letting us know that a patient has died, I stuff that set of emotions in a box. I have to be strong for them and listen to them as their voice breaks. I have to comfort them. And when we find out from the grapevine that a patient passed, I put those feelings in that box too. The box feels full when a patient passes that you’re close with. That maybe you saw their progression and spent time with them.. and then they are gone. That box gets really full.

I don’t have many friends. I don’t have anyone outside of my spouse (and mother) to talk to. I posted on Facebook in effort to find someone to talk to, but my brother (half, older) got upset and told me to take it down. That his kids were out and driving around and he didn’t want them to see it before he got to talk to them. I posted it to my Twitter (private) but he saw it and called, cussing, telling me to take it down. I took it down.

So I’m here. I only meant to write two or three sentences but the words started tumbling out. I’m sorry for whoever sat through and read all of this. I didn’t mean to make it so long. I just. I can’t sleep and my dad died and I’m so tired of COVID. I’m so, so sick and tired of COVID. I love my job but the work has been exhausting and taxing since March. I love my hospital but it’s been so, so tiring to be in that building every shift.

My dad died and I feel alone and I just hope it is okay I post this here.

Thank you for your time. This subreddit is amazing and I love reading how supportive everyone is. It gives me faith and hope. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Note - Thank you everyone who had helped my mom earlier. She was sobbing on the phone. Total strangers she said. I did not know that fundraising was not allowed here. I am so sorry. I deleted my moms GoFundMe link but if you can still help, please - it is on their main website under reddit covid and I made a post on the assistance subreddit with a link like the mod suggested. And again, I’m sorry for breaking the rules.

       

Edit, 8:43AM, EST: I’m still here and.. want to be here. I’m so glad that out of the subreddits that I was trying to figure out to post to - this was the one. My brother asked me to at least wait 24 hours to post anything on social media. We are in isolation/quarantine, so I’m staying between my spouse, toddler, my close family by text, and on here. Internet strangers who are so much more than that. I know I cannot reply to every single person - but I am reading everything posted and its making the heavy weight on my chest a little less heavy. Thank you all - so, so much.

Edit, 12:52PM, EST: I am at a loss for words with all these comments of kindness. My spouse and me just did our COVID test. I am going to try and sleep for an hour or two. I have tunnel vision and my ears are ringing. I think I may be in shock again. Or something similar. Everyone here is amazing. I just. I love you all.

Edit, 4:07PM, EST: Again, I am sorry that I posted the GoFundMe link. I didn’t know I was breaking the rules. If anyone knows where I can fundraise to help my mom, please send me a message. I’ll do anything for her. I did post on r/assistance like the mod suggested (the post is probably easiest found under my user page). I just know if I post to Twitter or Facebook, it would upset my brother. If he even knew I was doing a fundraiser, he would be upset. And.. thank you beyond words to everyone whose been here for me today. Been there for my mom today. For everything. I am still trying to reply here and there. This whole day has been so many emotions. I love you guys so, so much.

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