This is the most horrifyingly disgusting thing that has ever happened to me. Fair warning.
Last week, I adopted my first dog. His name is Franklin Beans and he is the absolute shit. Apparently his last owner was the human equivalent of a wet sandwich without any condiments on it. My dude was not in great shape when the fosters got him a few weeks ago. Since coming home, Franky B has been a real treat though. He has, unfortunately, had some nervous shit. I took this as further proof that Franklin and I were meant to be. My butthole is also afraid of working in new places.
Yesterday morning, I woke up in bed with my partner and Beans. My alarm goes off around six and I wake up to start another glorious day of teaching first graders online (yes, I have recently developed a drinking problem). As I'm fixing my tea in the kitchen, I hear a tiny dog fart. Franklin Beans is taking a shit in my living room. Oh rats! This seems like a slide backwards in the progress we made this week. Whatever. I go grab a baggie to remove the dookie from my beautiful original hard wood floors and see that there are WORMS on it. Little flat white 1/4 inch MOVING GODDAMN WORMS. I freak the fuck out, quietly because my partner is still sleeping. As I'm cleaning this up, I remember a reddit post about a cat with worms and rush to my bed to find just what I suspected: HUNDREDS OF TINY LITTLE DEAD DRIED UP WORMS. I unsuccessfully do my best to coax my partner to the couch without scaring him. I take Franklin outside to let him get the evil out of him. He immediately starts shitting again. But wait, that doesn't even look like poop... it looks like...MORE AND BIGGER WORMS. DEAR GOD. Poor Frankin is now dragging his tiny little snake hole across the cement, desperately trying to get these fuckers to unlatch. It was breaking my heart so I tried to use the plastic bag I carry for his booty presents to pull the stowaway from his tunnel. Guys, this worm was at least six inches long. It was HORRIFYING. On our walk around the block, this happens about ten more times. By the time we reach my apartment, I'm honestly impressed that I haven't fainted or screamed or thrown the whole dog out into a neighbor's bin.
I get back to my apartment and the poor little dude is still scooting all over those beautiful wood floors I mentioned previously. I call up the vet and start describing the nightmare that I am living, because at this point I'm pretty sure my dog is just a big cute bag of worms. While pacing around, I step in something wattery. I look reluctantly look down to see what appears to be a writhing fistfull of ramen noodles in a puddle of strawberry jam. I lose my ABSOLUTE SHIT and let out a blood curdling scream. This only frightens poor little Beans into releasing more worms from his bowels. I cancel my first live lesson and rush this spaghetti maker over to the vet for a drop off appointment, so I can get home and teach those tiny little psychopaths about verbs and shit. Around lunch time they call me to diagnose him as having a literal butt-ton of tapeworms. We talk care and recovery and I, still, am feeling slightly proud of myself for being as calm as I am. I hang up the call and return to my students, who are finishing up with lunch. As I log into the Teams Meeting, I see one of my students eating the worst possible food for this day: A fucking Cup O Noodles. I can no longer handle this situation. In a shameful display of squeamishness, I proceed to vom all over my couch. On camera. In front of students and parents. Children are shrieking. I'm shrieking. I have no idea how I'm going to explain this on Monday.
TL;DR Unknowingly got myself a pup o' noodles and lost my lunch over a cup o' noodles.
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