what? i am just here licking my paws. i don't know who did it

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What's yours?

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People who freak out when they hear you like your steak well done should just mind their own business

Yes, I do eat my steak well done. Yes, I know it’s dry and you have to chew it forever. But I like it! Stop pissing on someone’s head because their taste is different to yours. I went to a restaurant (and expensive one btw) and after sending the steak back twice, the chef told me I had to order something else..like? Can’t I just enjoy my steak the way I like it? I’ve been too embarrassed to order steak at a restaurant after that because of how I was treated. Every family event I have to sit through a full 30+ minutes of people telling me how uneducated I am. (Sorry for the long rant)

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Road rage about to be like a COD lobby

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Hello world, 15 minutes old

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LPT: Always tell your anesthesiologist if you smoke weed because it affects the amount of anesthetic you need to actually stay asleep! They do not care if you are breaking the law, they just need to know for dosage-sake.

Edit: this goes for really any drug. Tell your doctor. They won't dob you in, they just need to know to help you best.

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TIFU by eating 8 chocolate fiber bars before a long car ride with family and experiencing the most absurd gas leak in history.

This happened a year ago, but I just remembered this horrific event and the poor victims that never fully recovered. I was set to go on an 10 hour road trip through the interior of British Columbia and with me were 2 of my cousins and my uncle. However, before our 6am start I decided the night before to wolf down these chocolate chip Fiber One granola bars that had something like 75% of your daily fiber intake. These things were crazy good and I ended up eating an entire 8 pack of them in one sitting. After that I went to sleep and woke up in the morning to a bloated stomach but felt fine otherwise. 45 minutes into our ride the cramps began. My stomach grew larger and larger and I ended up needing to remove my seatbelt, and undoing the zipper on my jeans to give it more space to expand. My cousin next to me couldn't believe what he was seeing, he said it was like the blueberry scene from Willy Wonka. I couldn't hold the gas in any longer and asked my uncle to pull over, which he did and I struggled to get out of my seat as every move was agony. I waddled to the back of the car and let her rip. A thunderous roar escaped me like an asshole racing his Harley Davidson around the block on a Sunday Morning. The gas hissed out of me as my stomach grumbled, shuffled and shuttered. I am not exagerrating when I tell you that this fart lasted AT LEAST 15 seconds. Little did I know that I had just broken the seal and I would proceed to experience uncontrollable and obnoxiously powerful farts that lasted 10-15 seconds on average, with only a brief period of relief between said farts.

The fact of the matter was that I was now experiencing major flatulence every 2 to 3 minutes, and we couldn't stop the car every few minutes to escape the smell, so we decided to roll all the windows down and allow me to let loose whenever I needed. However, we had no idea that this would become a much longer ordeal than we initially thought. Truth be told, I couldn't stop farting for nearly 7 hours, and each fart just HAD to be more epic than the last. By the time hour 2 rolled around, my anus was sore and aching, and my insides feeling like shards of glass were ripping through me. And the smell had become so overpowering that we had to stop at a gas station and buy as many air fresheners as we could. I took one of the air fresheners and sat on it in the hopes that each fart will be freshened up - instead it just smelt like rotten eggs and pine. My cousins and uncle resorted to using Vicks around their noses to stop the smell. The pain from constantly farting brought me to tears at one point and I realized how ridiculous it must look to see a grown man crying while farting non stop.

At hour 4 disaster struck. I stopped farting, but I was still swelling with gas. I knew I was plugged up and if I didn't do something soon the pain is going to become unbearable. We stopped at a Coffee Shop and I ran in to use the bathroom. I gingerly sat down on the toilet and gently pushed but the pain was too much. I resorted to pushing on my stomach to help things along and suddenly I felt this wave of pressure hit me that made my butt cheeks break into a cold sweat and start to tingle. Suddenly, and without warning, a rock hard turd rocketed out of me like a cannonball and plastered itself to the back of the toilet bowl, and with that this tidal wave of what could only be described as peanut butter oatmeal. I could feel the muscles in my abdomen squeezing my intestines so hard that it actually hurt. It was like when you are throwing up and you can feel your stomach violently squish itself to push everything out, but instead it was my butt that was throwing up. Once everything was pushed out it was topped off by the longest fart in my short, pathetic existence, one that I could never accurately give the length other than say well over 20 seconds, and that I could literally feel and see my stomach shrinking. I destroyed that poor coffee shop bathroom and I frequently wonder what happened to the person who wandered in after me.

From that point forward the farts were just as frequent and long, but they felt cleaner and less restricted. It began to feel like I was airing my colon out, blowing out all the accumulated dust. My ribs and anus ached horribly, but I was starting to feel euphoria wash over me that I assumed was just the endorphin rush my body was giving as a way to protect my fragile mind from this ridiculous ordeal. By the time hour 7 rolled around my farts had slowly faded away, but the smell permeated my clothes and the seat behind me. The family had gone through almost an entire container of Vicks, and they appeared to have survived the ordeal but I could tell that a part of them was broken that could never be fixed. It was as though they felt violated by having to breathe in my butt breath for 7 hours, and I knew my uncle was upset that his car's interior would never smell the same again, as it already smelled like hot garbage by this point.

We eventually arrived without incident, and we refused to speak of this event. Things were never really the same between all of us after that, and I have a feeling none of us will ever touch eggs ever again. They already ate enough of my farts, they don't need a reminder. I should have never eaten that much fiber. I had no idea it was capable of that.

TL;DR - I ate too many fiber bars and ended up gassing my family nearly to death over 7 hours in a car. I made the scientific discovery that your body can produce ridiculously large farts at an alarming rate. 15 second farts on average with an average rate of 1 fart every 3 minutes. That means I was farting an average of 300 seconds an hour, or 2100 seconds over 7 hours. I farted for 35 minutes. LMAO

Edit: I am glad that we can all laugh at my Fart Attack and the pain and suffering that comes from it, but please don't do what I did. I was a dumbass that couldn't stop eating chocolate, and what I did was dangerous. I'm certain you will only hurt yourself if you attempt this so please do not try this.

Also I meant to individually thank people for awards via inbox but I lost count after 30 and decided to just say thank you from here. Thank you, from here.

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A quick guide to tea!

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And your exact qualifications for stating that are?

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+50 holy damage

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