2 years ago I applied for a job there went through the whole interview process and was finally offered the job (verbally) and told I would receive the formal offer in a day or 2. I was ecstatic at the time being unemployed and all but 2 days go by with nothing. I trying emailing and calling but get no reply. Fast forward to today I get an email from them with that official job offer asking me to report to work on Monday like nothing happened.

Inspired by a post on r/askwomen

This happened a few days ago, but the effects have only become truly apparent in the last day or so.

As a man, I always found it deeply unfair that genetics would grant me a paucity of hair on my chin, but an abundance in my arsecrack. Equally, it seemed some odd evolutionary jest that we should need hair around our buttholes. It makes about as much sense to me as trying to clean peanut butter from a hessian rug with a piece of tissue paper. What possible reason could I have for needing hair there?

With these thoughts in mind, I decided it was time to defy God and his cruel designs, and shave my asshole. Things were great for about an hour, and the regret began to settle in.

Let me educate you about the things you might expect if you decide to follow my path:

• My farts now come out of the top of my ass crack. With the hair that previously prevented my cheeks from forming a seal removed, my farts now form a cavity of air that travels up my ass crack and out the top. This is very unnerving. Sort of like having your farts walk up your back.

• Friction. This should have been obvious and I was a fool to miss it. My butt cheeks now rub together, and while it isn't chafing or painful, it feels weird and I'm not getting used to it.

• Stubble. Oh my god, the stubble. I used a razor to shave, and now I have the homegrown equivalent of a brillo pad tearing my delicate ring apart. When it isn't scratchy, it's itchy. And it's itching my actual asshole, not just the cheeks. This is the part I'm currently suffering from the most.

EDIT: the best thing about the response to this post, beside amusing comments and commiserations, was reddit usercare reaching out to me to see if I was okay.

TL;DR, shaved my asshole and now have vertical farts and an insanely itchy butthole.