British Karen with metal pipe caught interfering with Royal mail post van.

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Gifted DNA test result on daughter's birthday

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That's a good plan...

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TIFU by confusing fake tan for lube and discolouring my dick for years to come (NSFW)

Long post but I have to explain myself lmao

Obligatory happened ~3 years ago. So, when I was 13, it was the night that school had finished for the summer, I was having a nice relaxing evening alone watching anime when my sister had come into my room looking for a hairdryer (she had just graduated and was about to go on a night out)

She had just put on fake tan and then left the bottle of it on my bedside table while she dryed her hair, I have a pretty big mirror so she wanted to use that, no problem, I just put on my headphones and think nothing of it.

Anyway, she goes out for the night and I'm sitting at home, at around 11PM the power goes off, I figure that it won't go on until morning so I just decide to hit the hay, but since I have some trouble getting to sleep, I decide to have a wank before I go to bed.

You can probably see where the fuck up comes into play, with the lights being off, I don't know what's on my bedside table and I just figure that its probably lotion. I start rubbing it onto me and imagine nsfw stuff in my head (I don't really watch porn)

After about a minute I start to realise that this doesn't feel like lube, it's kind of sticky and it just feels off. So I grab my phone and turn on the flashlight to just see orangy-brown goop all over my hands and dick, I'm a really pasty guy so I knew I had to get it off ASAP. I go to the bathroom and start rubbing soap and water onto my hands to try get as much of it off, and after about 10 minutes, it's grand. It was sort of hurting my dick to try and rub it off, so I figured I could just shower tomorrow and that it would be okay. Big Mistake.

So, yeah, I'm 16 now and it's still really, really discoloured, hasn't been much of a problem for me yet because the kind of person who accidentally rubs fake tan onto their dick is also the person who doesnt pull very often. I've tried a bunch of solutions, baby oil, lemon and lime juice, fake tan remover.

It's been 3 years though and at this point I think I'm going to have to live with it. It looks just wrong and shiny when flaccid but on the pluside it doesn't look horrible erect. To the one person who inevitably messages me, no, you cannot have a picture. I'm still actually looking to fix this so if you have any advice it would be welcomed.

TLDR: confused fake tan for lotion during a wank and now very white me has a dark brown dick

Edit: fine, for gods sake lmao, I'll ask my doctor whenever I'm in with him next

Edit 2.0: A lot of people don't think I'm 16, here you go:

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Finding a tired red-bummed bumblebee and offering her some lavender...

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So far the only human disease completely eradicated has been Smallpox, the last known cases in 1980. Small quantities of smallpox virus officially still exist in two research laboratories in Atlanta, Georgia, and in Russia.

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remember that fossil fuel companies will guilt trip you into thinking you're the problem to shift the blame from themselves

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Guide Dog reporting for duty

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If you're 25, you've been alive for over 10% of US history

2020 - 1776 = 244

25/244 = 10.2%

If you're 50, 50/244 = 20.49%.

Really puts into perspective how young this place is.

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"The Beatles"

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