And he was only Five!!

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Wtf even happened

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Cookies and cream

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Forget the dictionary, the definition of 'Cultural Appropriation' is right here.

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TIFU driving naked

Throwaway account in case I regret this post as much as I regret what prompted it. TL:DR below. Sorry for the length. Didn't realize all this word vomit would end up being somehat cathartic.

Last night I decided to get into my car completely naked. I had one job. Meet my gf at her place. Drive us back to my place. End of story. No stripping required. However. As the day was coming to an end, the anticipation of spending time alone with my gf was clouding my judgment. All of a sudden I was horny and thinking it would be kind of kinky to show up naked behind the wheel and saying something silly like "excuse me, ma'am... did you call an Uber X?". I was rock hard thinking about the risk factor and how my gf would react. I imagined her laughing at the absurdity but also being somewhat turned on by the nudity. I wasn't too worried about other people catching me because my plan was not to interact with anyone else and to stay in the car until I was back inside my garage.

I realized I fucked up the moment I pulled into the parking bay and noticed my gf standing in the rain with an umbrella and her two roommates huddled underneath. All of them were frantically waving at me like "OMG, please hurry, it's pouring". I had two choices. Proceed as planned and accept my fate. Or preserve my dignity and leave my gf and her roommates in the rain. I drove my naked ass out of there feeling conflicted as fuck. In my defense, there was never any mention of roommates joining us. My gf called and assumed I didn't see them somehow. I apologized and explained, albeit fearfully, why she just witnessed me drive away without her. I promised I'd be back to pick them up in 30 minutes or less. Fully dressed. It was tricky trying to pinpoint if my gf was entertained or annoyed during that phone call. That being said, I couldn't help but feel like I was pushing her buttons when I asked her to lie to her roommates about my reason for fleeing the premises.

My gf said it wouldn't be necessary to tell lies because she had me on loudspeaker the entire time. Crickets. I fucking died inside. I could hear the roommates laughing in the background before one of them said "tell him to turn around". At that moment, another call came through. Unknown number. My saving grace. Or so I thought. I said goodbye to my gf and discovered it was my mother who didn't realize she was still using her work phone after hours. My mom asked where I was because she just arrived at my place. I said I wasn't home and stressed what a bad time it was for her to pop in unannounced. She said she had leftover lasagna for me. My favourite. I said I'd be home in a few minutes and made it clear that when I arrive I'm gonna drive directly into my garage and open the front door from the inside. I emphasized that she should remain in her car, out of the rain, and under no circumstances should she approach me until she saw me in the house looking decent.

My mom approached me as soon as she heard me honk. Her vehicle was blocking my driveway but instead of getting out of the way so I could access my garage and avoid being seen in the nude, she got out of her car without warning and marched to my car with a plate of lasagna wrapped in tinfoil. I was tempted to drive away again, but I didn't have the balls to abandon both women in my life on the same night in the same way. I rolled down my window and said "mother, stop". She did not stop. Not until she realized I was wearing nothing but my seat belt. I asked her to please move her vehicle and not ask questions. She caught me naked. Of course she asked questions. Lots of questions.

I made it sound like it was nothing more than a dumb prank between friends but my mom was convinced I was under the influence of her nemesis, Satan. I knew what that meant. She was using Satan as a metaphor to describe my gf, which she's done before. Usually I'd bite and we would argue but I didn't have time to dive into that debate because once I was done getting dressed, I had to leave again. On my way out, my mom proceeded to pray out loud. I froze at the door and had to wait until she was done updating God about yet another classic example of how her son was being tempted by the flesh into committing acts of indecency. As usual it was over the top theatrics and passive aggressive slut shaming towards my gf. Somehow all of this was her fault, not mine, I was just a victim of a Jezebel. It took everything in my power not to lose my shit during that prayer. 

Fast forward to the most uncomfortable car ride of my life. My gf didn't really make conversation (or eye contact) other than asking if I didn't mind dropping her roommates at the mall. I could tell she was embarrassed by me. It was my first time meeting her roommates in person and it was obvious they didn't know how to behave around me. I apologized to all of them for my actions and promised never to leave my house naked again. Not gonna lie, acknowledging what I did made it even more awkward. I got zero replies. Just forced smiles. My gf turned on the radio instead of talking to me. Due to the bad weather we had one radio station available. A talk station. So, there we all were, awkwardly listening to people who suffer from misophonia discuss how disturbing specific sex sounds were to them. Fuck last night.

TL:DR Made plans to pick up my gf. Got horny thinking about her. Decided to drive naked as a sexy surprise. Realized my gf was waiting for me with her roommates. Left them all in the rain to go home and put on something to wear. Got caught by my religious mom who happened to be at my house. Had to listen to her badmouth my gf with Satan metaphors and prayer. Got dressed. Returned to my gf and her roommates. Cue awkward car ride.

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Multiplayer only games with multiple future battle passes are not worth 80 Euros. Change my mind.

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"The male suicide rate is so high because men are too afraid to talk to someone due to toxic masculinity"

F*ck off. No it's not. It's because nobody cares or is willing to listen. Or it's held against you when you do open up.

Same with "men should cry more" - what, is that your only f*cking solution? Cry more? As if that's going to make all your issues disappear magically. Again, f*ck off.

As well as "go to therapy". Oh yeah... because I can afford that can I? Fuck off. Do you have any idea how expensive therapy is? Even in the UK, with the NHS, there's a massive waiting list and the dialectical behaviour therapy channels are women-only.

How about, if you really do care, you start advocating for more services that can help men, because I know for a fact that there are plenty that are specialise for women but not for men. Or maybe even shine a light on some of the issues men face in society instead of just dismissing them as men's problems for men to solve.

Edit ( I put this in the comments but I think I should clarify it here ): "To an extent I agree [that toxic masculinity is also responsible], but I know many people who sought help didn't get any, which is why I think even if these men who were afraid talking will harm their masculinity spoke up, they wouldn't get much help anyway. I think the toxic masculinity line is just used to pin the problem on men at this point. "

Final edit: Apparently my tone in this was very angry and I need to 'get friends' and 'stop being a manbaby'. Well I'm sorry if it came across that way but I am indeed angry, and I hope you can understand why without me having to delve into my own shit.

I'm just going to delete the reddit account, I've said what I wanted but some of the comments are just nasty, especially the direct messages. And to those going on about toxic masculinity, right or not, regardless, this isn't just a men's problem, and I'm sick of it being treated as such, especially when some people just shrug it off and are quick to blame the male suicide rate on toxic masculinity, which women perpetuate just as much as men with the 'man up' comments. I'll be aight. Have a nice day.

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Yes, Nick, you did

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Shaq with the smackdown!

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