Just to clear up some things:
We were using protection on both of our ends. Well at least I know I was. Now I'm not sure if she was really on the pill.
If I could've gotten a vasectomy earlier trust me I would. I was getting refused for years.
I didn't try pressuring her into getting an abortion. I asked because I wrongfully assumed she would want to get one. When she said no I didn't press it further. I wouldn't do that.
She's really trying to make me stay and it seems like I don't have much of a choice in the matter. She told her family and they are very interesting people. Her mom and dad have been calling me to berate me. Her brother is threatening me and has a history of violence. They all showed up to our place to come yell at me.
I'm diagnosed with GAD and also get panic attacks which kind of plays into why I don't want kids. This situation was already making me anxious and now with her family at my throat it's not helping. I don't know if she purposefully did this knowing it would cause me extreme anxiety. I know that they won't leave me alone no matter what or where I go they will harass me.
I honestly thought signing away my rights if possible would be the best for all of us. Kid included. I truly do not think that I will be a good father. My dad was in my life but he wasn't a good one. He was very abusive to me and my mother. He broke my arm on purpose out of anger when I was 14. I would've rather him not be in my life at all. Maybe I'm projecting. Either way it doesn't matter because it doesn't seem like I'm leaving and my girlfriend seems to be very happy with that. She's already talking about a nursery and stuff.
I know I come off as a shitty person. It's not just me trying to be a deadbeat and not take responsibility. We discussed not wanting kids our whole relationship so it felt like I was being blindsided (?). What if I pass my anxiety down to this kid? I feel like that's unfair to them. It's not easy to deal with. What if I'm alone with it and have a panic attack? I just hope I don't fuck this kid up. This is why I didn't want this. I'm not made for fatherhood.
My girlfriend knew this we discussed this constantly. I guess she changed her mind a long time ago and didn't tell me or she was lying so I didn't leave. I'm not sure but she was the one that brought it up so it must've been true at first.
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