I changed some minor details for the sake of remaining anonymous. Also, sorry this is so long once I started writing I found it cathartic and couldn’t stop word vomiting all over the post. TL;DR at the bottom!
When I was 23 (now 28), I was engaged to Ryan (was 32, now 37). Our engagement ended when my stepsister Kelly (was 24, now 29) begged me to leave him because they loved each other but Ryan was too afraid to break up with because he didn’t want to hurt me/my family. When I confronted Ryan about it, he denied it, said she had been trying to come on to him for some time and he never mentioned it because he didn’t want to ruin our relationship. He begged me not to believe her and so we continued how we were. Kelly grew resentful and made nasty comments about how I was forcing a man who didn’t even love me to marry me because I had low self-esteem constantly. A month later, she sent me a video of them having sex in my bed and multiple screenshots of him telling her he loved her, how he wished she was the girl he was marrying, how he hated that I wouldn’t let them be together. I was devastated and angry, but my best friend convinced me not to go nuclear on them and instead to quietly move out when Ryan was at work the next week. So that’s what I did. I contacted my dad and my stepmom and asked them if I could move in temporarily. I removed the money I had contributed into our joint account for wedding expenses and transferred the rest to him before closing the account. Once I got settled in, I sent all of the screenshots she sent me to all of our relatives and his.
Ryan tried to get back together with me multiple times, but I ended up blocking him when I found out he had proposed to her with the same ring he gave me (I left it behind). Now Kelly is my stepsister from my mom’s side. I have another stepsister (36) and stepbrother (38) from my mom’s second marriage and a half-sister (26). They all went to the wedding. Whenever I tried to express I was hurt by the fact they were just supporting Kelly/Ryan as though what they did to me meant nothing they would shrug it off and say they couldn’t cut them out completely because they were family. I haven’t spent a single holiday with my mom’s side since, neither has my older biological brother or sister. I only see my mom and half-sister when I invite them over to my place as Kelly/Ryan moved in with my mom and my stepdad a year after they got married. Our relationship is very rocky, but I’ve grown closer to my dad/stepmom and their children (an older stepbrother and two younger half-siblings), who have all been very supportive since this all happened, so it’s not all been bad.
On new years day my boyfriend (now husband) proposed to me. We had a small engagement party which I invited my mom and half-sister too. They never turned up because I was “excluding half of our family”. I never invited my stepdad or stepsiblings because they were pretty hurtful when it came out that Kelly/Ryan were sleeping together. They claimed it wasn’t their fault I got in the way of “true love” and made me out to be some sort of vindictive Disney villain for being angry with them. We were planning to have our wedding ceremony this summer, but in late February my husband suggested we postponed until next year because he was concerned COVID would get worse and we would have to cancel/reschedule anyway. I ended up finding out I was pregnant a month before our original wedding date, so we had a courthouse wedding on that date with the plan to hold the ceremony next year. Only my dad’s side of the family were aware of both the pregnancy and the wedding.
My stepmom likes to knit so she’s been making some stuff for the baby. Recently, she posted about the things she had made on facebook with a caption talking about how excited she was to have another grandchild soon. I was tagged in the post. I have zero issues with the post. I never told my family I wasn’t going to inform my mom’s side, it wasn’t that I intentionally hid it from her she just never seemed very interested in my life/relationship so I never brought it up.
My mom called me an hour later to demand to know if I was pregnant and how she couldn’t believe I hadn’t told her she was finally going to be a grandmother. She has since invited me and my husband over to her house multiple times, I’ve declined every single time for the obvious reason. My stepdad, who I’ve barely spoken to in 5 years has reached out to tell me how excited he is to meet the baby and my husband, same with my siblings. Even Kelly reached out to my husband to congratulate us. I was furious.
The next time my mom and stepdad called me I finally laid into them. I told them I didn’t want them to keep inviting me over when they knew I would be forced to see Kelly/Ryan if I came, I told them how hurt and angry I still am over what they did to me and how my ‘family’ dismissed my feelings, I told them how they wouldn’t throw Kelly/Ryan away but they were so quick to leave me out to rot whilst I was going through the worst betrayal I’d ever experienced in my life, I told them I wasn’t even sure I wanted people like them in my child’s life.
My mom was crying hysterically and kept saying I was being cruel, and I couldn’t deprive her of her first grandchild. The thing is, my baby ISN’T her first grandchild, my sister has two adopted daughters already who my mom doesn’t even try to bond with. She kept wailing about how I might be the only person in our family to even give her grandchildren (my stepsisters are both having a hard time getting/staying pregnant and my half-sister has proclaimed herself to be child free).
My stepdad got angry and defensive. He claimed I was petty for holding onto something that happened 5 years ago. He pointed out how I had found someone else so I should understand how love works and sometimes two people just can’t help themselves. You love who you love, basically. He said Kelly/Ryan were happy together, so I should be happy for them the way they’re happy for me and my husband. The ironic thing is my sister told me Kelly/Ryan looked like they were on the verge of divorce and they argue constantly (my mom complains to her about them) and how my siblings all hate him but pretend they like him for Kelly’s sake.
I ended up hanging up because I was so angry and when I get angry, I start crying, I didn’t want them to think they got to me.
Since, I’ve been receiving texts and calls nonstop from my mom’s family. They’re all essentially telling me I should be over things already. It’s gotten to the point me and my husband have switched phones so he can screen my messages for me, and I don’t have to read them.
TL;DR – My stepsister slept with my ex- fiancé and married him. I’m now happily married to someone else and we’re expecting our first child together. My family thinks I should be over it already since I’ve moved on, but the anger is still there, and I have no interest in forming a relationship with my ex or my stepsister again. They’re now putting pressure on me to try and get me to forget it ever happened.
How do I make my family understand just how unforgiveable what Kelly/Ryan have done to me is? I would prefer not to go completely no contact but is that my only option here?
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