I'm just completely lost right now and don't know where to start.
I've had a very troubled upbringing. All the types of abuse you can think of, multiple foster homes etc. Drugs and sex. I'm not proud of my past. Around 21, a solid 7 years after things really went south for me, I decided to get clean out of nowhere. Since that day, I've never drunk enough to even get tipsy, or done any drugs - even though it's been incredibly hard and continues to be.
I met my boyfriend a year after I started making these changes. From the get go, I laid my cards on the table and he's never been anything less than supportive. He's 100% the best thing that has happened to me and we talked like we would be married anyway - we've just assumed it will happen for the last year.
On Sunday, he was sent a gif/video over text that was undeniably me with a group of men. I'm clearly not in my senses, and I have no recollection of this happening - but would not call it out of place for where I was at that time in my life. I also wasn't even 18 at the time.
I didn't make any excuses, and felt trauma of my own that reopened the wounds from the past, but recognized this moment was about him. He wanted space and I gave it to him.
Today I get a text this morning telling me he's seen more and is truly disgusted by the person I am, and that he couldn't believe what I would do for "other men, but not him".
I completely understand his reaction in being disgusted and have no idea what he saw, but I'm so very confused by his second statement. We have had an incredibly healthy sex life and I've indulged in every single desire/kink he's vocalized - I don't understand how he could think that way.
I'm just a complete mess at the moment and feel like I've had a trap door open under my feet. What do I even say to him to try and fix this? I should be worried about whoever is sending him this but I can't even bring myself to think of anything other than getting him back.
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