Ok so this happened literally 1 hour ago.
For the better part of 2 years I had and still have a massive crush on my best friend. I met her 2 years ago at a undergraduate research conference. She and I were interested in many of the same things and naturally pushed each other to explore different perspectives. At the time, I had asked if she every wanted a boyfriend. She said she never wanted to be permanently burdened by someone. So I swore to myself never tell your feelings for her ever since she might ask to alienate me and destroy this beautiful platonic friendship we have.
So that’s what I did. It was great. She helped me open up my mind about the topics I was conducting research in, and we even collaborated on a year long experiment. I still have a massive crush on her. In fact, I think i started loving her. But i set it all aside. Because I knew she wasn’t interested in relationships, and mentioning anything would only backfire and lead her to be less of a friend with me.
Well one of her hookups decided to ask her out about 6 months back. She said yes. I felt totally crushed, but I understood that nothing would arise with me voicing my feelings. I started to feel the classic signs of clinical depression, so I started journaling (being a researcher doesn’t usually afford regular therapy) I liked to hear my thoughts out loud so I used a voice memo app. I regularly vented into my voice memos app and listen to them on my music app using it as a mp3 file and I’d dissect what i was thinking to see if there was a better way to handle future situations. So during her time dating, COVID happened our lab reduced the number of individuals allowed at any one time and I began to avoid her and having to socially distance and quarantine gave an excuse to do so. I still responded to texts but I wouldn’t engage such that we would FaceTime everyday like we usually did.
Recently, her boyfriend cheated on her and she found out and broke up about 2 weeks ago. So she’s not doing great either. She tried to FaceTime me for the first time in months for support and I made up excuses for why I couldn’t call or video chat. (I was scared I’d take advantage of her in her emotionally weakened state because I couldn’t hold myself back from my feelings).
She eventually asked me to cut the BS and I relictantly obliged because she was hurting and needed some platonic companionship. I had to make this about her and not me. And for about 2 hours it went great we caught up. We talked about her relationship and now I couldn’t help myself and asked are you going to try to have a relationship ever again? She said “No, my ex showed relationships aren’t going to work with me.” That sealed the nail in my coffin. We then talked about the latest topics we were researching on our own projects. I then took my phone to my car (it has AC unlike my studio apartment) and this is where shit hits the fan. Stupid auto play blared loudly my last audio recording of me saying how smart and hardworking and beautiful she is and how much I love her. Because my dumbass decided it’s a smart idea to start each voice memo journaling session with how I felt about her so that eventually I’d be able to stop having feelings for her. I turned off the car ended the call and I don’t want to look at my phone. More than likely it’s a no. But i was much happier in Schrödinger’s land where i didn’t know how she would respond.
TL:DR have a massive crush on best friend. Kept it secret. Now Best friend knows because I’m need to hear my voice in journaling sessions. And now I’m terrified to see her response.
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