My wife and I have been married for 3 years and for the past year we have been trying for a child.
We both wanted to have children and after we got married we decided to first buy a house and get things in order financially before having children. Last year we both mutually agreed that we were in the right place to try for a child, in fact it was my wife who put the idea forward.
A little over 8 months ago my wife found out she was 6 weeks pregnant with our first child. I was elated, I had always wanted to be a father and it seemed like something I never thought was possible was coming true. My wife and I began buying parenting books, planning a nursery, just doing all the stuff first-time parents do. I had never been happier at this moment.
Several weeks later, I had to fly out of the country for a work conference. I was gone for about 8 days. Whilst I was abroad, my wife called, she was crying and told me she had a miscarriage. She was 18 weeks pregnant at this point. I flew back home immediately and told work that I had a family emergency. I was devastated with the news, but I never properly mourned as I felt I had to be emotionally strong for my wife who was a wreck.
This was a tough period for both of us, but I thought we had come out stronger as a couple. I knew I had to give my wife some time and space before we could approach the subject again, especially with this being, what I thought, her first miscarriage.
However, a week ago, a friend of my wifes called and told me she had something important to tell me. Apparently my wife had scheduled an abortion, whilst I was away at a conference. My wife’s reasoning being that she wasnt ready to be a parent. My wife also said didn’t want me to know about the abortion because I was so excited to be a parent and she didn’t want to hurt me.
At first I didn’t believe this to be true but after confronting my wife she told me that yes she had in fact aborted our child.
I’m in shock right now. I’m hurt, angry and upset. I just don’t understand why she didn’t just speak to me about it. Maybe we could have talked this through, but right now I’m so mad that she went behind my back and led me to believe she lost our child. I understand that my wife is the one carrying the child, and at the end has the right to make any decision she wants, but why lie about the whole situation.
I don’t know whether to carry on with the relationship or not. I love my wife but this is a huge betrayal to me, and I can’t even look at her right now. She’s currently crying and begging me to forgive her, I’ve just gone down to the spare bedroom and locked myself inside. Please someone just tell me what to do.
This is honestly one of the best things you can do for an upset friend. I use it all the time and people respond very well to it. Sometimes people come to you because they need to vent. Comfort them first, then follow up with 'do you want advice or do you want me to just listen?'. But other times, they just need to let someone outside of the conflict know what happened, and then they want to talk about something else. Talk about your own day, show them the latest funny thing you saw, go do something fun together. This question sets boundaries and builds trust. It shows you can be there in any way they need.
edit: WOW! so many awards! thanks so much. im going about pming everyone to thank them. but heres a carrd link to BLM resources and a bunch of campaigns, charities, and black owned businesses you can donate to. it would mean so much to me as an ally of the BLM movement if you put a few dollars towards a campaign of your choice. sorry, im on mobile: https://blacklivesmatters.carrd.co/
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