Earlier in the year, Adam Sandler was a guest on Howard Stern’s show to discuss his starring role in the excellent Uncut Gems. During the interview, Sandler made a joke about what would happen if he didn’t win the Best Actor Academy Award. He told Howard:
“If I don’t get it, I’m going to f–king come back and do one again that is so bad on purpose just to make you all pay. That’s how I get them.”
In a bad news, bad news situation, Sandler wasn’t nominated, and he’s promised to make a terrible film (I’ll still watch it a few times regardless). In an effort to assist the Sandman with his terrible film, I dug through all of his films and analyzed their posters to come up with the objectively worst Sandler picture that could be made. Here it is:
Directed by Dennis Dugan
Written By - Tim Herlihy
Running Time: 135 minutes
Released on Netflix
Predicted Tomatometer score - 6%
Predicted IMDb score - 3.75
Adam Sandler plays a personal trainer/shoe salesman named Jack Goodheart who is married to Janet Goodheart (Also, Sandler, using a very off-putting voice). They travel to an exclusive resort in Costa Rica to attend his 30th high school anniversary during the fourth of July weekend. During the event, Rob Schneider (playing a terrorist) and his team of henchmen, hijack the event and take everyone hostage, including State Senator Chuck Finley (Terry Crews) and presidential candidate Casey Fitzpatrick (Maya Rudolph). During the melee, Jack and Janet escape, and the two use their past military experience and buff physiques to save the day. This PG-13 action-comedy is entitled “Jacked Up” and ends with a jet ski chase at the hotel’s lazy river pool that circles the hotel. The film is directed by Dennis Dugan, and co-stars Kevin James, Chris Rock, David Spade, Salma Hayek, Terry Crews, Steve Buscemi, Taylor Lautner, Luke Wilson, Peter Dinklage, Maya Rudolph, and Al Pacino.
This is how I came up with the storyline. I pulled together his best and worst films to find patterns that appear. Here are Sandler's lowest rated films on Rotten Tomatoes and IMDb. I drew a lot of inspiration from them. Also, I tried to make this as objective as possible.
The Ridiculous 6 (0% TM) - Action Comedy - Action hero
Jack and Jill (3% - 3.3 IMDb) - Two Sandler's - Jet Ski scene - Married - Holiday
Grown Ups 2 (7%) - Reunited with old friends - Married
Bulletproof (8%) - Action comedy
The Cobbler (9%) - Shoe repairman
The Do-Over (10%) - Action Comedy - Reunited with old friend - Married
Grown Ups (10%) - Reunited with old friends - Holiday - Married
Adam Sandler’s Eight Crazy Nights (12%)- Takes place during a holiday
Blended (14%) - He’s a dad who travels to Africa
Going Overboard (1.8 IMDb) - Lots of terrible boat action
The Week Of (5.1 IMDb) families get together for a wedding
Sandy Wexler (5.1 IMDb) - Sandler pulls a unique voice (which isn’t statistically a good thing
Here’s all I research I compiled to create Jacked Up
A trademark of Sandler’s latest movies is that he likes to travel to beautiful locations to film (which is brilliant, and why not?). The Do-Over, Just Go With It, Blended, Grown Ups 1 & 2 and Murder Mystery are examples of his penchant for travel. The problem is, the films have a lower Tomatometer average (21.2%) than the films where he didn’t travel to nice locations (37.4%). This is why he travels in Jacked Up.
Sandler has several directors that he enjoys working with. Those Directors are Steven Brill, Dennis Dugan and Frank Coraci. Steven Brill (20%) has a lower Tomatometer average than Dennis Dugan (24%) and Frank Coraci (30%). However, Dugan is responsible for Jack & Jill, so I’m giving him the director’s chair. He did direct Happy Gilmore, so this could backfire on me. Frank Coraci directed The Ridiculous 6, but, I love the baseball scene and he also directed The Waterboy and The Wedding Singer.
Aside from You Don’t Mess With the Zohan (which is brilliant, and has a fun jet ski action scene), His action comedies are lackluster. Bulletproof (8%) and The Do-Over (9%) didn’t win him many points. That’s why Jacked Up features an action-centered plot.
His films featuring him as a married man have a 29% Tomatometer average. Movies featuring him as a single man have a 38% Average. Thus, the marriage to himself (think Jack & Jill) is included. It’s a double whammy
I picked Tim Herlihy to write because he wrote The Ridiculous Six, Grown Ups 2 and Pixels (8% average). I do love his Happy Gilmore, Billy Madison, The Wedding Singer and The Waterboy scripts though
His PG-13 (29%) rated films have a lower Tomatometer average than his R (51%) and PG-rated (45%) films. For Netflix, M rating = R and TV-14 = PG-13
I included a pool because in Airheads he is a pool cleaner who thinks about swimming pools. Also, Grown Ups, The Do-Over, Jack and Jill feature swimming pools. They have low scores.
Movies that feature Sandler doing a voice have a lower Tomatometer score (24.8%) than his regular voiced roles (36%).
In The Ridiculous Six, Grown Ups, The Do-Over, and Bulletproof he plays a totally capable man who isn’t an underdog like he is in Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore. So, he can’t be a doofus during the action scenes.
Randomly enough, Rob Schneider shouldn’t adopt some kind of stereotyped character because his makeup-less roles have a lower Tomatometer average (27.6%) than his stereotyped roles (32%).
His lowest rated movies on IMDb are Going Overboard (1.5), Jack & Jill (3.3), The Ridiculous 6 (4.8), Sandy Wexler (5.1) and The Week Of (5.1) - These movies feature water exploits, gun fights, weird voices, two Sandlers, and large gatherings. These things are all in Jacked Up.
*Bulletproof (*$25 million), Little Nicky ($39 million) and Blended ($46 million) are a few of his lowest grossing comedies. In these films, he uses a wild voice, goes on vacations and engages in action shenanigans. I left out movies like Spanglish and Reign Over Me because they aren’t traditional Sandler comedies. Also, Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore weren’t huge earners. However, they established him as a force of nature.
His first or last name couldn’t begin with an “R” - Howard Ratner (Uncut Gems), Henry Roth (50 First Dates), Robbie Hart (The Wedding Singer).
WHAT DOES THE POSTER NEED TO LOOK LIKE?
He cannot be centered on the poster. His best films Punch Drunk Love, Happy Gilmore, Funny People and Uncut Gems feature him centered on the poster. The Wedding Singer, Reign Over Me and The Meyerowitz Stories don’t have him centered. However, the movie posters that have centered have a 48% Tomatometer Average. The Posters that have him on the left have a 30% Tomatometer average. I’m going with that.
He' rarely centered in his "worst" films
There needs to be multiple people on the poster. When Sandler is alone on a poster, his movies have a 42% Tomatometer average. The movie posters with 4+ people have a 20% Tomatometer average. More is good.
In this poster he needs to be holding something random. In The Cobbler poster he is holding a coffee cup (this is important) and the movie has an 8% Tomatometer score. In The Wedding Singer (microphone) and Happy Gilmore (golf club) and The Waterboy (bucket, helmet) he is holding items related to his character. He needs to be holding something weird (like a can of sponsored coca-cola). Also, the posters that feature him holding an item (31%) have a lower Tomatometer score than the posters featuring him not holding anything (42%).
It’s best if his entire body is on the poster. The movie posters featuring a full-bodied Adam Sandler have a lower Tomatometer average (31%) than his partial body posters (43%).
Ideally, the title would be in the center, because Jack & Jill and The Ridiculous Six have somewhat centered titles.
Sandler(s) on left side - Full body
At least six other characters on the poster
There you have it! I can't wait to watch Jacked Up.
If you like this random post, make sure to check out my other random data on Reddit.
Hear me out.
I've been thinking about this opinion for a while now ever since I've hit my teenage years. This is because my mom always tells me "If it weren't for god I would've [insert messed up action]*". So when I got older, I realized just how messed up that actually is.
The reason as to why it is messed up is because you should be a good person based on your own moral code, not religion. What if that religion never existed? What would you do if you all of a sudden didn't like religion anymore? What would you do then? Would you go, and kill people? Would rob banks? Would you do all the horrible things you wanted to do previously?
Those who think this way usually don't even know or care for the reason why they shouldn't do horrible things. They only seem to not do awful things only because they think that something bad will happen to them, based upon their religious belief.
Now to clarify, this isn't to say that I hate people who believe in religion, or think all people who use religion in their life think this way (although, I do personally despise religion, as it has caused a lot of trouble in my life). This is to say that I think if you use religion as your entire reason for not doing awful shit, then you aren't a good person in my eyes.
*Note: Some of the things my mother has said were REALLY bad. She even said that she would've killed me and my siblings by now if it weren't for god. Yeah.......Really. Smh.
Edit: WAY too many people keep saying that I think all people who are religious, think this way. Not true. I'm talking about a sizable amount of religious people who refrain from evil deeds simply because they fear harsh consequences based on their own religion. I repeat not all people think this way, but a sizable amount of people do.
Edit 2: Displaying my opinion the internet isn't edgy.
Edit 3: Don't disregard what I say simply because of my age. If you think this way, you're being closed minded.
Final Edit: This is a nuanced topic, so there is a lot of room to debate here. I'm okay with that. However, please try to be respectful to others in this thread, and don't attack, and insult people for their own beliefs on the matter. Everyone should try to learn something from thread about humanity, morality, and religion as a whole. Thanks for teaching me a few things here guys, I appreciate it. That being said, may the debate continue!
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