My wife and I have been married for 5 years. We have two children our older son who is four, and another son who is 2 years old.
So a quick summary, we used to live in NYC together, but then moved to DC as it was lower cost of living and now we have a house near the DC area. I work in Engineering and my wife used to work in consulting but now works at a non-profit.
We have had a good marriage, for the most part, I feel that my wife is generally the more passionate one and I am the more toned down engineer. This works well for us when we can eventually reach a conclusion but this fight now has been festering and really ruining our relationship.
My wife has brought up in the past about adopting a kid from Africa, but that was something we talked about doing when our children had fully grown, like maybe in our late 50s. And I entertained the idea but I always said it would be something we would get back to.
Now with the whole climate, she been dead set on doing this. Also she doesn't want an African kid anymore but African American (not super relevant but just pointing it out) She has already donated A LOT of money (relative to our income) to different causes.
She has brought up adopting more and more and I told her that I am not comfortable doing that. That we have the funds and we should help one black child, as we already have two white children which in her eyes was selfish enough to have. She believes that since we are in a position of privilege we should do what we can to help those kids that they won't have a fair shot in life. She said that the only way we can ensure our children aren't going to have racist biases is if they have a family member that is also Black, and that it will help us be more aware of our own biases.
For me, I am okay with activism and have done my part but this is too much for me. I want my kids to be biologically mine, especially since we are both healthy enough to do it. And I don’t think adoption should be used as a political or social cause, and only if you are both 100% set on doing it.
I have tried to talk to my wife, but it seems that she has gotten more and more strict on this. She called me a racist, I said I don’t want to adopt a White baby either, I just want to have my own kids. And honestly, it just has deteriorated at this point, we no longer sleep in the same bed anymore. She told me she is disgusted with me and thought she married better.
She told me that she won’t sleep with me anymore until I agree with adopting a baby that she can't share her body with a racist.
For me this is something I have to be firm on, had it been the case that we had fertility issues, or we were much older it would be a different story. But this is too much for me. We only get one chance to live a life, and I want my kids to be my own.
And we already agreed a while back that two kids was enough, I wasn’t even asking to have more children. I was open to it after I got promoted to a more managerial role but I was okay with two children. My wife was the one that really wanted to have a daughter.
I feel that right now, the situation is only getting worse and worse. My wife has really self-isolated with only people that hold more extreme views than her. She has already cut off some of our friends because she was disgusted by their beliefs. She barely even talks to her mom. For me, at this point, I talk to her mom and sister more than her.
I don’t know what to do, this situation has been going on now for the past month. When it comes to no sex I honestly don’t mind that much. I was a virgin till 23 lol, I can handle this. I just don’t know what to do about our marriage. I don’t see how us staying at odds with each other can ever get us back to a better spot. What do you guys suggest I do here? Should I get her parents involved? Is there an achievable middle ground here?
TL;DR - wife wants to adopt for our next child, I do not want to. I am okay with donating money, but I don't feel comfortable with adopting a kid for political reasons. My wife said she is disgusted by me.
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