Please see above.
My partner (36F) and I (35F) have been married for 15 years. We have 3 kids together, two under the age of 10, and one teenager. I am a straight cis woman with no attraction whatsoever to other women. We are in the US.
Last year my husband came out as a transwoman. I've tried to be as supportive as possible and we have spent a lot of our savings on her surgeries. She's on hormones, she has plenty of feminine clothing and make up, and she's had multiple surgeries. The next surgery that she wants is to get a neovagina and while I've been cheering her on from the sidelines (what am I supposed to do?) this breaks my heart. I feel like I've lost the love of my life and when I look at her, I see a stranger. There's no attraction there and we haven't had sex since she's come out because I'm just not into it, even though she does keep trying to initiate.
My partner has been saying that I must be bisexual or pansexual because I fell in love with a transwoman but that's not true at all. We've gone to couples therapy and apparently she has felt this way since she was a little kid, which makes me feel even worse because I've told her everything, and I mean everything, about my life. I feel deceived and heartbroken and I can't even talk to any of our mutual friends about this because they're all rightly supportive about her bravery in coming out.
I don't know what to do. I've been used as emotional support for both my partner and my teenaged daughter who's apparently being bullied after her friends saw my partner picking her up from school wearing a short dress, heels and extensions. I've talked to my partner about not dressing like that when we're in public with the kids and she's agreed, but the damage has been done. Recently she has been sleeping on the couch because I just can't do it anymore.
She has all these new trans friends and I can't relate at all to any of them. I feel like she's jealous of me because I'm a cis woman because she makes comments when I'm on my period about how she wishes she could menstruate whenever I mention cramps and it's lead me to be secretive about even buying tampons. One time I came home to seeing her wearing my underwear (bra and panties) and being basically drowned in my perfume and jerking off to p*rn which has lead me to simply hiding those things because I don't see how I can even begin to bring this up.
I'm terrified of being seen as transphobic, because I'm not. She's a woman and that's what's making this so difficult. I'm not attracted to women at all. I want a husband, not a wife. But I know that if I divorce her now when she needs my emotional support more than ever it'll end very badly, and I don't want to have a negative relationship between us. I still love her and I want to be able to work this out. I've talked to her about all of this already but the lack of attraction and feelings of being deceived aren't going away. I feel like a real a-hole and I want to know if this relationship can be salvaged and how.
I do not know of a country I can travel to, freely, set up a camp and just live my life. I can not just travel to Europe or Asia or Africa and live as I see fit.
I've met many immigrants in my life, one of which was the best manager I ever had, that taught me (a white American) more discipline and patience than my own father. He was a hard working, strict but fair Iranian, that would freak the fuck out on you if your work station wasn't basically spotless the entire day. "If you clean as you go, you will have less to do later, and there are two things that will drown you in this business, waste and wages." (Somehow his words make a lot of sense to this topic thinking about it) And I'm serious, one piece lettuce hit the floor while you were making a salad, you had to pick it up, wash your hands and go back to making the food, while also doing it in a timely manner that a guest would expect. He'd go from laughing to yelling and back in an instant, because he had standards and not only did he impose them on you, but lived by them himself.
He moved here legally, with very little money saved up, started working as a cook, moved into management and has since made his way into a corporate position for the restaurant chain that I worked under him. An American success story if I have ever seen one.
Legally.. Just like I would have to do if I wanted to move to any other country. He helped his mom and brother come over too, who I unfortunately did not get to meet before I never saw him again because he was making his way through the American dream.
He told me about the r-words he faced in his time here. He was never bothered by them. They are stupid and not even worth getting upset about.
I fail to see the problem with this. It seems so damn obvious to me. You won't have to look far to see these stories. Sure, not many will be billionaires, maybe not even millionaires. But then again, neither am I. And more than likely most Americans reading this post.
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