original:

Hey everybody, here’s the update. I wrote this a couple days ago but couldn’t post it because it was too soon.

My husband came home at around 6 o’clock, and after he had something to eat I took him to the bedroom to talk.

I sat him down on the bed and told him I was worried about him. I didn’t know exactly how to phrase my worries so I just showed him my original post.

When he finished reading the post he starting crying, like full on crying. In all the years that I have known this man, I had never seen a tear roll down his eye. I held him for a few minutes until he could recompose himself, and he told me everything.

He told me that the world was in a “shitty place” right now, and that we’re bringing a child into a stressful time.

He said when I became pregnant he felt he had to step up. He needed to take care of things because it was his responsibility.

He said that the weight of carrying the family was so much harder than he anticipated so he thought if he “doubled down” he could get through it. But the more he tried the “darker the tunnel got” and eventually he couldn’t see an end.

He said that he feels like he’s “constantly drowning, and the only breath of fresh air is on the car ride between home and work.”

He said that sometimes the stress is so much that he throws up, but doesn’t tell anyone and instead keeps going with his day. He then pulled out a pack of gum from his pocket and said “this was for when it happens.”

I asked him why he couldn’t tell me any of this, and he said he didn’t want to “burden me with the truth.”

He said that, he thought if he told me everything, that I would stop seeing him as a “protecter and provider”, and that I would inevitably stop loving him.

Hearing him say that brought tears to my eyes because I didn’t know where he got the notion I would feel that way.

I asked him if he wanted to quit his job but surprisingly he said the job doesn’t bother him. He said the work in of it self was fine. It’s just now he feels an added weight to provide because not only was he fortunate enough to keep his job in the pandemic, but we also had a kid on the way.

He said that some days he feels like packing a suit case and running to some tropical island for a week and not telling anyone. But then he feels guilty and doubles down even more.

I told him that maybe he should go on a trip. I said that he deserved a break, and maybe if he did exactly that he’d feel better. He tried to protest, but I insisted. In the end said that he’ll only go, if we go together. Like a romantic get away between spouses.

Once things start to clear up and before the baby is due, he wants to take a week off from work, drop the kids off at Grandma’s house and have us go on a vacation. Just the two of us, like we used to when we first got married.

He also said he wants to take the day off tomorrow and just sleep in, so that’s the plan. I’ll call his boss tomorrow and say that he’s sick and can’t come in, it’s not like they’ll make a sick man come in to work. There’s a pandemic going on :).

Right now he’s playing with the kids and it doesn’t feel like he’s doing one of his chores. He actually seems to be enjoying himself.

For the first time in months I don’t see the robot, I see my husband.