I made a “proton pack” for my toddler so he could run while having continuous IVs to treat cancer.

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The last waterbender

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A bird stops by to visit a skydiver

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and for the next magic trick, you will disappear

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A lot less people would buy a lottery ticket if the rule was "pick a number between 1 and 300 million. If you guess right, you win."

Edit: *Fewer less people would buy a ticket. Forgot to proofread lmao

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What Your Favorite Weapon Says About You

Kilo 141: You just like to vibe and aren't very toxic

FAL: You think you're better than you actually are

M4A1: You're unoriginal

FR 5.56: You dont abuse the meta often

Oden: You wish this gun aimed faster

M13: You like the hitmarker sound effect

FN Scar 17: You're cultured

AK-47: You just wanna have fun on this hellscape

RAM-7: You like to roll the dice and let random chance decide

Grau 5.56: You care too much about your K/D

CR-56 AMAX: You mostly play search and destroy

AN-94: You love using this gun, but hate everyone who uses it

AUG: you forgot 9mm rounds existed after getting 5.56

P90: you dont like reloading

MP5: You like abusing the meta

Uzi: You still haven't found that perfect attachment setup

PP19 Bizon: You REALLY dont like reloading

MP7: You secretly like the MP5 more, but use this to not get shit for using the MP5

Striker 45: You hated this gun when it first came out

Fennec: You dont like having ammo

ISO: You're a masochist

Model 680: You think you're better than every other shotgun user

R9-O: you dont like aiming

725: you dont know what stocks are

Origin 12: You only play shipment

VLK Rouge: You're a non-conformist

PKM: you like assault rifles with big magazines

SA87: You dont care about your K/D

M91: You have at least 5 variants for it

MG34: You're also a masochist

Holger-26: you dont like LMG's

Bruen Mk9: You like camping

FiNN LMG: you have no skill

EBR-14: You have good taste

MK2 Carbine: you think you're better at quick scoping than you are

Kar98k: you do about 12 lines of coke before every cod session and and quickskope till you get hospitalized

Crossbow: you dont exist

SKS: you're glad people dont use the SKS

Dragunov: you think the other snipers are overrated

HDR: you like casually sniping

AX-50 you have a blatant disregard for the intended use if a sniper rifle or you always have is as a secondary in warzone

Rytec AMR: You were disappointed by the explosive rounds

Riot Shield: You have no friends

X16: You like handguns more than anything in this game

1911: you think it's better than it is

.357: You like feeling like the Arizona Ranger

M19: you have a good trigger finger

Desert Eagle: you live for the one tap headshots

Renetti: you're still upset it got nerfed

Pila: you actually like assisting your team, but dont get enough credit.

Strela-P: you... ok, I have nothing.

JOKR: you dont exist

RPG-7: your favorite operator is minotaur

Combat Knife: your favorite operator is the sexy edgy boi Kreuger

Kali Sticks: you like pretending you're a jedi

Duel Kodachis: you were hoping it was a katana, but you're still happy with what we got you fellow weeb.

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TIFU by NOT watching porn on an airplane

All my life I've managed to get into trouble for things I didn't do. What follows is my peak achievement.

I was on a flight from CA to TX. We had just taken off and I was settling in, watching The Office on my laptop. The guy next to me was watching what appeared to be a very normal Bollywood movie. I was wearing large corded headphones and he was wearing small Bluetooth earbuds. He had kinda long hair so you could barely see the earbuds.

The flight attendant came around to take our drink orders so I paused my show and ordered a drink. He paused his movie, turned off his earbuds, and ordered a drink. I then resumed my show and he resumed his movie. Perfectly normal, right? Except that he forgot to turn his earbuds back on.

When he resumed his movie, I and everyone else on the plane could hear it over his laptop speakers. And of course, as the good lord would have it, the moment he resumed the movie, it switched to a sex scene. Nothing graphic, not even any nudity. Just one woman and about five men moaning and groaning LOUDLY.

Remember when I said he had small, hair-covered, wireless earbuds and I had large headphones on? Well of course everyone saw my headphones and the look on my face and assumed my nasty ass was watching porn on full volume with my headphones unplugged. Meanwhile, he DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE that he wasn't listening to the Dolby Surround Sound gangbang through his earbuds.

The flight attendant rushed back, looked right at me and said, "SIR WILL YOU PLEASE PLUG IN YOUR HEADPHONES?" I meekly pointed to the guy next to me. So the flight attendant, now embarrassed, saw his screen and quietly asked him to reconnect his earbuds, to which he quietly agreed. But the damage was done. For the next three hours, every innocent suburban mom, dad, and child on the plane glared at me like I was some sort of public fapping sicko.

This is the story of my life.

tl;dr: Guy next to me on a plane forgot to reconnect his earbuds and subjected us all to the sweet sounds of passionate group love. I got the blame for it because I still use large, conspicuous headphones and have the poker face of a teenager buying booze.

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Forgot flair, but, guys we gotta build the Hoover Dam

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lunch time

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Driver tries to avoid traffic by driving on the sidewalk. Meet a bunch of gents that teach him a lesson

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